When Do I Get to Throw a Tantrum?

our son, "the dude" is 28 months old....such a big boy, an awesome big brother, sweet, handsome.

hes also 2.  thats the crappy part.

the temper tantrums are starting to make me go insane, as im sure they are making S. go insane...at a slightly slower pace since he goes to work during the day.  the fact that he is going insane slower than i am will be good in the long run.  he will be able to stay with the kids while i crawl into a hole somewhere and curl into the fetal position and hum softly to myself.  no, no humming actually.  because probably any noise whatsoever at that point will send me down a spiral of tears and shaking.

im slightly exaggerating.  slightly.

like i have acknowledged before.  i GET it, i really do....i think maybe "god"  or whatever higher power there is up there, sends 2 year olds into our lives so that we will be able to deal with teenage girls at some point...either as the parent of one, or sibling, or whatever.  (i apologize to princess in advance, since i know shell probably read this when shes a teenager or something and will think "thanks a fucking lot mom".)  or maybe god put me through an emotional crappy point of life (being a teenage girl) so that i would be able to deal with my 2 year olds when they came around eventually.  whatever the case, i GET dudes emotions.  i know it sucks to feel like youre not getting any attention, i.e, theres a new baby in the house.  or when your show gets turned off, even though youre not watching it anymore....but you know, of course it makes sense to flip shit when your favorite movie gets turned off because youre in your bedroom playing with your cars instead of in the living room watching the movie and your mother would rather watch "days of our lives" instead of "cars" for the freaking 1000th time.....but i digress.  i understand that dude feels like he dosnt get enough attention from daddy when he gets home from work....it used to be daddy and dude time, but now sometimes daddy has to take princess so i dont shoot myself in the foot for an excuse to leave the house for a few hours. 

i feel bad for dude sometimes, seriously.  im sure its incredibly confusing to him to have so many changes in his life.  some days he is so incredibly sweet, waking up with a smile and a "hey mama" and he comes and sits with me on the couch, and dosnt make a ridiculous mess while eating breakfast.  then it all goes completely downhill.  downhill roller coaster fast.  ridiculously fast.  so that im standing there with my head spinning wondering where the hell my awesome son went and where the hell this demon child came from.  his head dosnt spin, but sometimes he spins in circles.  in the kitchen.  then chases the cat. jumps on her. pulls her tail.  i yell.  he cries.  rinse and repeat.  until about 5pm when daddy comes home.  then daddy takes my place while i sit outside chain smoking and contemplating curling up into the fetal position and humming to myself and dreading the fact that i have to go back inside to cook supper.

the most notable of these famous tantrums?  yesterday. definitely yesterday.  i have to be honest, i have completely forgotten why dude flipped out, but he did. it was bad.  so, we very calmly told dude that we werent mad at him or anything, but that he had to go into his room and sit on his bed until he calmed down and then we would have supper.  he didnt calm down.  the crying and screaming continued for a good ten minutes before i finally went in there because it was at the point that i was afraid he was going to make himself sick.  i know i have said before that we dont "coddle" dude during his breakdowns, but this was bad.  so i sat with him, was calm, tried to talk to him over the screaming, then finally gave up and just sat with him.  a few minutes later even S. came in.  we talked to him some more, tried to tell him again that we werent mad at him that he just had to calm down.  what finally got him out of this breakdown?  when i started telling him what we were going to eat for supper and i got the point of "biscuits."  honestly.  he heard the word "biscuits" and it was like the freaking faucet turned off and he did a complete 180 and got down off his bed calmly and walked into the kitchen.  what the FUCK?  my reaction?  "okaayyyyyy.   lets eat." 

my mom likes to tell stories of how, at dudes age, i, being the sweet, gentle, loving little girl i was (hahaha im exaggerating of course), would break into waterworks if my dad looked at me and said "______ eat your supper"  in the nicest, most loving way.  i would just break down, lose my mind at the dinner table.  is this payback?  im pretty sure that if my mom is reading this, she is nodding her head while very emphatically saying "YES" and laughing.  payback is a bitch, in case any of you out there didnt already know that.

back to my original question, when do i get to throw a temper tantrum? 
maybe if i ever get pregnant again? 
now im sure that S. is laughing at this point if hes reading this. 

last night princess went to sleep pretty hard, i was rocking her in her cradle until 11pm or so, then she was up at 3am (im pretty sure one of the cats woke her up and if i figure out which one i might kick it...no, i would never do that, jeez.  im just trying to make a point).  as im walking around the room trying to put on pajama pants in a blurry not quite awake fuzz, i can see S. sit up in bed, but its obvious he is no where near awake, im pretty sure he was sitting up with his eyes still shut. so i get the princess and bring her into the living room to change her diaper and make a bottle.  we use her pack and play as a changing table (lets be honest, there is no room for a changing table at this new place) and as ive got her all unwrapped i realize there are no diapers readily available in the pack and play....and that there is also an old diaper, all wrapped up, that S. didnt take care of when he changed her before bed.  i just about lost my damn mind.  i grab another diaper, throw the other one away, the whole time screaming at S. in my head because i didnt want to scare princess or wake up dude by screaming at S. out loud.  i get the bottle made, after i WASH one out, almost fall asleep while giving it to princess on the couch, then we do fall asleep on the couch, because it was almost 4am at this point and i didnt want to go back to bed and listen to S.s alarm go off at 4:30.  at about 5am S. gives me a kiss to say "see ya" because hes headed out the door, and apparently the look on my face was pretty bitchy because he says those magic words that usually will make any woman even MORE mad, "are you mad at me"  of course i say "yes"  at this point i have to give him credit, because even though he should be leaving for work, he sits down on the coffee table and asks me why.  i tell him.  im not nice about it.  he says, "ok.  have a good day ______"  and he leaves.  im pissed. angry. livid.  but for a split second im sad that i wasnt a little bit nicer about it because thats really not a good way to start the day, you know, listening to someone bitch at you as youre about to leave for work, or to be bitching at someone at 5am.  like i said, sad for a split second, then i fell back asleep.  when i woke up, i was mad again.  but after working out my frustrations by keeping myself really busy all day, and having numerous conversations with S. in my head in which i yell at him about everysinglefuckingthing he has ever done wrong....i calmed down.  and S. came home.  and weve had a good night, and talked about the situation a little bit, and cleared some things up.  and i even apologized for being a bitch.  but i didnt apologize for feeling the way i did, that would be silly. 

i kind of wish i had thrown a tantrum.  just a little. it seems like i have come to a point in my life, where even when its a little necessary that i lose my shit, i dont, because of the kids.  thats not fair in. the. least. 

i think i might have to pick up kickboxing or something. 
and pretend im throwing a tantrum while throwing punches.

ghost baby?

before you all freak out and get weird, finish reading the post.

something has happened a few times and its made me think.....  continue reading before you really freak out.

so, sometimes, randomly, i can feel a twinge in my belly that completely reminds me of when i was still pregnant and princess was kicking.  the most recent time it happened, i was laying on my stomach (which is silly, because when did i EVER lay on my belly while i was pregnat with either princess or dude?) and i KNEW that what i was feeling was my pulse because it was so steady, and, well, you just know its your pulse.  but it felt exactly like being kicked by your baby while pregnant.  i dont remember the other time quite as well, but i remember the feeling it evoked.  for a few seconds it was like i was pregnant again and i felt that same elation that is felt when you feel your baby moving inside of you. 

what is UP with this?

the feeling is so strong, that i kind of have to remind myself that princess is sleeping in her cradle, not in my belly.  i dont remember having any of these feelings after giving birth to dude.....but maybe i was so sleep deprived that i didnt notice anything.  im pretty sure that by this point, im used to the whole "no sleep" thing. 

is this a weird form of post partum depression?  is this something akin to "ghost limbs"? you know, when a person loses a limb, but can still feel it itch sometimes.  is my body somehow mourning the baby that could have been?  of course dont get me wrong, i LOVE princess with all of my heart, just like i LOVE dude with all of my heart, but isnt it true that the mother always vaguely mourns the baby that she could have had?  as in, my dude COULD have been a girl, whose hair i could put in bows....and princess COULD have been another boy that i could have dressed in ridiculous amounts of camo....

when i say "post partum depression" dont get me wrong....i have had no feelings of depression whatsoever, im so happy with my family and my babies, but.....i dont know, these weird kicking feelings in my belly are making me think hardcore.  is it my body telling me to have another baby?  am i crazy to be thinking this already at this point? um. yes. yes i am. and i know it.  S. would say the same thing and he is very firm on the idea of having no more kids.....but i definately get baby fever with these twinge/kick feelings in my stomach at random times of the day. 

my pregnancy with princess wasnt exactly "hard" or "complicated" but i know for a fact that many people, including S. and my parents are glad that its over...i was known to be a hardcore bitch this time around....personally, i think they thought this because 1) S. wasnt around while i was preggo with dude (he was serving a second tour in iraq)  and 2) i think my parents choose to NOT remember what it was like while i was living with them while preggo with dude.  but regardless, i was known to be a bitch, and emotional, you know, those normal pregnancy things.  i had WICKed acid reflux, and my back was sore all the time, and i was ridiculously tired because of the 2 year old in my life.  so when i think of all of those things, i also wonder if i DO want any more children (ive been known to say that i want 3 or 4).  approximately one day after princess was born i thought to myself..."wait.  shit.  i forgot about going through the "teething" thing again."  and i got REALLY scared and nervous and thought for a split second of sending her back. 

but then i looked at her face and wanted a hundred more just like her...and dude too.

am i doomed to always be thinking of "ghost baby"? 

do i want more children?  do i want to deal with the tiredness? the freaking craziness that is my house already plus MORE?  the diapers? the baby poop? burp cloths?  spending money on little girl tights, and bows, and little boy baseball hats, and formula, and plastic cups in bright rainbow colors? 

um. yes.  because that first time that that baby smiles at you breaks your heart.  thats why.


sooooo, ghost baby....will we ever meet?

Carpal Tunnel Syndrome

is it possible, in any way whatsoever, to get carpal tunnel from patting your babies back and/or butt all. the. time??

because im pretty sure thats what happening to me.

our daughter, "princess," is now almost 8 weeks old, and sometimes i swear she has a look on her face that conveys...."whatever slave. just keep patting my butt/back/whatever body part you want to pat so im distracted enough that i wont cry."  honestly. 

another interesting conclusion that S. and i have come to in the past 2 months? 

we. will. never. buy. huggies. diapers.

princess has had numerous NASTY blow out shitty diapers....as in, shit running down her leg and making it necessary to do ANOTHer load of laundry.  i want to puke when this happens.  S. has seen only one of these miraculous happenings because of his work schedule..i have been subjected to many.  apparently princess likes to poop (if thats what you can call it) mid morning.  at least the laundry is done in a timely fashion instead of having to do it at night.  you may be asking, how this relates to huggies diapers?  because we received them as a gift, so we use them, but these were what she was wearing EVERY SINGLE TIME this has happened...if YOURE the person who gave them to us, im sorry im complaining, i know it was a gift, but we cant deal.  we have been using them up BEcause they were a gift, and theres no sense in getting rid of them.....thank god theyre almost gone...now i just mentally cross my fingers whenever i put one on her that she wont shit in the next hour or so....or i make sure to put a pampers on her if its midmorning...why is it necessary to schedule the time of day that i put certain diapers on my daughter?? 

long one

im starting this blog off, with a blanket ALREADY on me and covering my feet LOL

i definately need more coffee though and should have thought to refill my cup before getting comfortable..and letting princess fall asleep on my chest LOL  shes such a cuddle bunny :D  S. and i love it  <3

it may not be a huge thing to some people, to some it may be a common occurance, but you know, S. and i dont go out to breakfast very often, its one of our ways of saving money, annnnd i have no problem whipping up pancakes or cinnamon rolls or eggs, etc on the weekends, i actually really enjoy it.....so when he looked at me on saturday morning, and said..."lets go out to breakfast..."  that was awesome :D  and we had a great breakfast too :)  we went to a local restaurant, and its funny because our old building managers wife works there, and she is absolutely in love with dude ( i mean really, who isnt?  except for k. and her mom LOL that will be explained laterrrr) so we spent a very pleasant morning laughing at dude flirting with her, and she cuddled princess for a while, then as we were leaving dude decided to tell everyone in the resteraunt "merry christmas"...  one at a time....as we were walking past their tables on our way out  lol  <3  its nice to hear "what a nice looking family"  from everyone <3

{{i started this blog monday morning, and i am just now finishing it, thats how crazy this week has been, so no, im not covered in a blanket anymore, but yes princess is cuddling on my chest because she just had lunch, and dude is watching "nightmare before christmas" :) }}

then S. and dude ran a bunch of errands including getting new tires put on the truck :)  i hung out with princess...it was a chill day .... then S. and i spent a while looking at pictures that night :)  we were laughing hysterically <3  we were up for a long time that night, for many reasons ;P

sunday princess was 3 weeks old!!!  ohhh how time flies :D  i did some grocery shopping, then cleaned the house like a whirlwind because . told me when i got home that "santa" would be making an appearance around 4 or so...yeah, you didnt know santa made appointments did you... LOL  and although dude isnt that fond of real santas...he apparently loves real santas that give him chocolate LOL offff couuuurse he does LOL  but he also got a very cool puzzle book and princess got a cute dress :)

ive been spending the week wrapping presents....theres a lot to wrap, and im thinking that the rest is going to be wrapped on christmas eve after dude goes to bed since he hasnt been taking naps..... *sigh* 

other things going on?

dude totally blew up my spot the other day....at supper time, dude and i recount our days activites for daddy, ex: dude tells him what he had for meals, if anyone came to visit, what we watched on tv, why mama put him in time out (LOL) {ive been doing this to work on dudes memory...)  now, i totally let dude watch things he wants to during the day...super why, sesame street, how the grinch stole christmas, etc, but there comes a point when i cant deal anymore, and i tell dude "its mamas turn to watch what she wants"  and yes, sometimes we watch soap operas....so sue me.... well, the other night, S. asked dude what he watched that day....dude said, very clearly, "waaatch...genral hospal"  *sigh*  S. looked at me...i burst out laughing...then explained the situation....whatever....dude and S. will both have to deal with the fact that i watch soaps LOL

im tired of everyone having snow except for us....we got stupid ass freezing rain yesterday.  it sucked.  yes, i find snow annoying when its march or april and we get another foot, but i dont think its too much to ask for, to have a few inches of white stuff on christmas......i know i know, were just never satisfied, either we dont have enough snow, or we just want it gone.


did i make a turkey dinner yesterday? uh yeah.  why the hell not? LOL it was goooooood :D  and i made mashed potatoes with parsnips, oh man, that was a great decision on my part!  S. and dude loved them too!!


missing children make me really sad.  and now that the craziness has made its way here....i think its time to move further into the woods....

we lost power again the other day, i have NO idea why.  but i will tell you that im getting incredibly annoyed with the electric company.  i do not like having to try and start the generator at 8 am, when its friggen freezing cold outside...i mean, it was one of the coldest days that weve had so far this winter, and our power goes out?  apparently it was out all over the place.  then the other night S. and i woke up in the middle of the night to find the power had gone out again!!  the stove had turned off and the house was freezing!!  WTF!!  thank god the power had already come back on and we were able to start the stove up quickly.  all of those conversations that S. and i have had about owning our own house and getting a federal grant to install solar panels is looking more and more like an awesome idea.

i have an appointment to get my hair done tomorrow!!  soooo excited :D

although i love that dude loves his show "super why" and that its obvious that hes learning a lot from it (he loves singing the ABC's and knows at least half of his letters)  i DO NOT like having the theme song to "super why" stuck in my head for hours on end.  thats all i have to say about that.

whats up with the recent moustache craze?  i dont understand it at all. 

i saw the other day, that my blog has had lots of views from RUSSIA of all places....wtf? really?  whatever.  thats cool LOL  but if youre in russia, and reading my blog, send me a message, id be interested to find out what the deal with this is LOL

updates with k. and her mom? 

 

remember how k. got her tonsils out last month?  her mom tells S. a couple of weeks ago, that there was a tumor in her tonsils, and they tested it, and everything is ok, but the doctor told k.s mom that it was most likely caused by chemicals that S. brought home on his clothes from when he was working with bombs in the Marine Corps.  wow way to go trying to blame S. when he hasnt even seen k. in how long??  didnt your second husband, who was also in the Marine Corps, work with planes? and most likely other chemicals?  wasnt your next boyfriend in the Marine Corps also?  what was his job? when did her tonsils start getting enlarged and needing to be removed?  recently right? yeah.....   then she tells S. that shes telling him about this because she wants him to be careful because she dosnt know what kind of stuff he works with now, and he should be careful because of dude and princess....yeah ok.  how about my children are none of your concern? :)

she also says..."what are you getting k. for christmas?"  S. tells her hes all set with ideas from her, because we already got her some things....she says..."oh ok because i had a really good idea for something for you to get her...but i forgot..."   way to go making yourself look stupid and wasting our time on an absolutely pointless part of a conversation.

she asks what we got for k., because k. is in her custody and she, as the mom, has the last say on what k. gets to have...we tell her "dont worry about it"  she tells S. that shes going to open up the presents before k. sees them so that if theres anything in there that she, the mom, dosnt like, k. wont get it.  how awesome is that?  does she think we sent k. some deer meat or something?  what a bitch.

k. is now acting like a snot to dude as well as her father.  this past sunday she said to dude "why do you always want to talk to me?"  niiiice.  great manners.  be a snot to your little brother who is totally blameless in this situation, and who gets totally excited about talking to you.  im thinking ill stop asking dude if he wants to talk to k., theres no reason for it anyway, not until theyre older at least.

we got a package the other day from k. full of presents for S. and dude and princess.....my thoughts?  my kids wont be getting those presents, theyll be donated somewhere....theres no reason for them to have things that im sure k. didnt even pick out herself...they can exchange presents when they get older, if they want to, when they know the whole situation.....

thats it for now....maybe i should eat some lunch?  ehhhhh i guess so....hopefully S. actually gets to leave work early today!!  yeah for christmas vacation!!  :D  were so excited to see everyone, and have our tree with our kids!!  :D