feeding your kids like a bird?

so. this story was in the news...a few...weeks ago?  yeahhhhh i mentioned my writers block in my last blog right?  well, sometimes when i see funny stuff, or something funny happens, i write notes and get back to it later.  in this case A LOT later. whatever.

alicia silverstone was shown on the news feeding her son like a bird.  yes.  as in the food was in her mouth, then she spit the food INTO HER SONS MOUTH.

what. the. fuck? 

look, i am in no way saying that i am the worlds greatest mom by any means.  i yell sometimes.  i get very frustrated sometimes.  sometimes, i even SPOON food into my 2 year old sons mouth because hes being incredibly wicked stubborn and wont finish his peas but i know that if i PUT the peas into his mouth with his spoon...he will eat them. with gusto.  but what i witnessed this woman doing was just...gross. 

have i wiped snot from my sons nose? yes.  have i stuck my face near his butt to figure out whether or not hes shit his pants? yes.  have i wiped pee from his leg with my hand because it was the closest thing available while hes peeing into the toilet, and he ended up peeing on his leg instead, then washed my hands after? yes. have i gotten shit on my hand while trying to change his dirty underwear while we were potty training him? yes. are all of these things pretty friggen gross? yup, ill admit. with gusto.  they are ALL things that i honestly never thought that i would be doing while i was in that blissfully ignorant state of my first pregnancy.....but these things happen. 

but as much as i love my children with all my heart, i will never. feed. them. from. my. own. mouth.

well, maybe if it was the end of the world-apocalypse-type shit going on and i needed a way to feed princess or something. i guess someone can never really say "never."

so i will say that i would never do this on any regular, run-of -the-mill day.

a comment that one doctor had to say about this?  the human mouth is one of the dirtiest things in the world.

another comment?  what are you really doing for your kid? oh yeah, youre not helping him learn how to feed himself.  you know, thats a pretty important skill to have nowadays.

i dont care if your son likes the soup you were eating. get him a fucking spoon and teach him to use it.  who cares if the area surrounding you and your son gets covered in soup in the process?  trust me, he'll figure it out eventually.

the only other thing i have to say on this subject?  that if this is the new trend, well hell.....im way ahead of the friggen trend because to be completely honest with you, i was doing this shit when my son was about 11 months old.  this was the result.

nailed that shit. dead. on.

obviously im joking.  get a sense of humor.  S. and I actually teach our kids to feed themselves regardless of the ridiculously horrible end result.  was a bath necessary?  oh yeah.  there was no way that a washcloth was going to make a dent in that mess. 

but hey, thats parenting.

ridiculous potty training story involving poop and me laughing so hard that i cry

*WARNING*

*if you have any sort of issues with poop, or problems with, or aversions to poop stories, or a strong gag reflex, stop reading.  :P  *

although S. and i have been talking about potty training dude for some time now, we randomly decided last night to gird our loins and throw ourselves into the business at hand head first (could i have mentioned any more body parts in that sentence? probably. ).

now, we didnt EXactly decide to potty train this weekend "randomly"...it has been talked about and planned for quite some time now.  we had WANTED to train dude by the time he turned 2 (last november), obviously that didnt happen.  was it because we were scared of the situation?  was it because we knew we would be moving out of that apartment soon and didnt want him to regress with the move?  was it because we knew that princess would be born soon and we didnt want him to regress out of jealousy? sure. to all of those possibilites.  was it more likely that we were just unsure of ourselves and had no freaking idea what we were doing despite all of the friendly advice that has been given to us since dude was born? um, yes. 

so we talked, and talked, and talked to dude about potty training (not a good idea by the way, to say "potty train" because the only thing the dude would hear was "train" and think we were going to watch a train movie.  i suggest saying ""pee on the toilet" ).  we always asked the dude if he wanted to pee on the toilet, we bought some "big boy" underwear and showed them to dude, but the time never seemed right.

so we finally said "were doing this. starting first thing tomorrow morning.  thats it."  (the dude just turned 28 months, i think what we were mentally saying was: "its time." )  we asked the dude if he wanted to pee on the toilet like a big boy, he said "yeah" and it was a done deal (but honestly it would have happened even if he had said "no" HA.)

the beginning of the morning was rough.  the dude didnt like sitting on his brand new super ultra f*cking cool bought just for him "Cars" potty seat first thing in the morning, when he had just woken up, and hadnt even had the chance to cuddle with me on the couch for a few minutes.  i dont blame him, im pretty cranky in the morning too and im also awesome to cuddle with first thing in the morning...i mean, all the time.

after that, things progressed nicely, with some peeing in his pants problems (we got rid of diapers cold turkey, no pull ups) , and sitting on the toilet every 20 minutes or so, etc etc, honestly, things were going pretty good all things considered.  we thought it was going to be A LOT worse. 

then, i realized he had pooped while playing.

i automatically lay him down on the floor, this is what ive done for the past almost 2 years (like i mentioned before, we dont have the space for a changing table) got his pants off, then started to pull his brand new super ultra f*cking cool bought just for him monster truck underwear.  now, i thought this was going to be his run of the mill pretty hard poop.  but it apparently wasnt hard enough.  because as i was pulling his underwear down (remember, hes on his back) the underwear turned inside out and as they were at about his knees, and his legs are raised up in the air, the poop falls out of his underwear.

and lands on his shin with a juicy, loud SPPPPLATTTT. 

awesome.

in the 2 seconds this happened, my jaw dropped and i froze.  shocked that there was now a huge pile of poop on my sons shin.

during this situation, S. is sitting on the couch...he automatically starts laughing, i dont blame him.  i was already laughing at this point and dude is looking at me like, "what is so funny?"  im crying from laughing so hard at this point.  between my tears i see S. come over to help.  we both have wipes in our hands, dude now has poop on his opposite foot from being a squirm monster, i admit that i got poop on one of my fingers from trying to hold him still....the laughter and tears continued to flow freely. 

we all got cleaned up, got dude onto the toilet again, and continued with the potty training.

S.s suggestion?  that if dude poops his pants again, that we stand him UP to get his underwear off.

and weve laughed about it all day.  i guess when youre cleaning up pee and poop and doing laundry all day, and your day is set to a timer as to when you have to sit your kid on the pot again....you have to find something ridiculous to laugh about.  :)

im a jerk? no YOU"RE a jerk.

i swear to god.  when S. and i are playing around with dude, he tells us were "jerks"

this is, actually, hilarious to us.

you all might be wanting some explanation about this behavior....read on. 

are S. and i "traditional" parents?  um, maybe.  kinda. sorta?  whatever it is that we ARE classified as parenting wise, i wouldnt say that we are........"up to the times" ?  "current" ?  whatever you might call it.  yes, we yell at dude (and im VERY sure we will yell at princess too), dude has been spanked, he has been put in time out, we dont discuss his feelings for long periods of time when he throws a temper tantrum....he is told to go chill out by himself somewhere and he can come back to the group when hes sufficiently chilled out.  he is made to eat all of his meal, whatever it may be, he is in no way coddled....well, you know, unless hes actually hurt.  but if hes told a hundred times to say, not run in the kitchen, but he does and he slips on the rug and he falls and busts his butt, our reaction is something along the lines of, "are you ok? you are? well, we TOLD you not to run in the kitchen...how did that work out for you?"  all said while we continue to do what we were initially doing.  are we heartless? not in any way whatsoever, we love dude like crazy and are continuously talking about how awesome he is.  but he IS 2, and he needs to figure some of this shit out himself.

other examples....we have told him hes a brat, a booger, that hes a poopy head and that he stinks when he has a shitty diaper (and he laughs. just so you know).  S. and dude play really rough, pretend slapping each other, rolling around and wrestling, and one of S.s favorite things to say to dude?  "youre a jerk."  quite a few months ago, dudes response started to be, "no, youre a jerk."  with a huge smile on his face.  needless to say, S. laughed hysterically and its become their "thing". 

dude is a total sweetheart, cuddles with both of us all the time, says "sweet dreams, love you" on his way to bed,  when he accidentally hits me he says "sorry mama" as he kisses whatever part he hit, he kisses and hugs all of his toys, and his sister, the cats, and gives his "baby dinosaur a "pacifier" and carries it around like a baby. 

but there are other times that he is a total......guy.  one night, he was laying on the floor next to me, he rubbed my head and pushed the hair away from my eyes and said, "i love you mama"  and i got a little choked up.....i told him, "awwwee buddy, i love you so much, youre so sweet"  and he immediately said to me, "shut up. stop it."  my jaw dropped.  S. laughed. a lot.  i (gently) pushed my son, and told him he was a booger.  while i was smiling of course. 

are we possibly raising a boy that will give off major mixed signals to his lady friends? im a little concerned about it.  but at this point, hes so charming that he gets away with it.  dont worry ladies, ill make sure that he can do all the manly things around the house, and know how to clean the house, and he will in no way be an actual jerk to whoever is living with him.

 but for now, hes a jerk :)

Carpal Tunnel Syndrome

is it possible, in any way whatsoever, to get carpal tunnel from patting your babies back and/or butt all. the. time??

because im pretty sure thats what happening to me.

our daughter, "princess," is now almost 8 weeks old, and sometimes i swear she has a look on her face that conveys...."whatever slave. just keep patting my butt/back/whatever body part you want to pat so im distracted enough that i wont cry."  honestly. 

another interesting conclusion that S. and i have come to in the past 2 months? 

we. will. never. buy. huggies. diapers.

princess has had numerous NASTY blow out shitty diapers....as in, shit running down her leg and making it necessary to do ANOTHer load of laundry.  i want to puke when this happens.  S. has seen only one of these miraculous happenings because of his work schedule..i have been subjected to many.  apparently princess likes to poop (if thats what you can call it) mid morning.  at least the laundry is done in a timely fashion instead of having to do it at night.  you may be asking, how this relates to huggies diapers?  because we received them as a gift, so we use them, but these were what she was wearing EVERY SINGLE TIME this has happened...if YOURE the person who gave them to us, im sorry im complaining, i know it was a gift, but we cant deal.  we have been using them up BEcause they were a gift, and theres no sense in getting rid of them.....thank god theyre almost gone...now i just mentally cross my fingers whenever i put one on her that she wont shit in the next hour or so....or i make sure to put a pampers on her if its midmorning...why is it necessary to schedule the time of day that i put certain diapers on my daughter??